I Can’t Even

File this one under “What is this I don’t even”: a conference in Kansas will arrange child marriages for Christian homeschoolers. You are reading this correctly and it is not just Progressive Secular Humanist who has it; it’s on Love Joy Feminism too.

Now the good news: it has been canceled. The bad news? Everything else. I warn you, once you read this, you are going to need to take the longest, hottest shower of your life. Proceed carefully.

Apparently, your daughter is ready to get hitched when she has breasts. Oh yeah, she has something on her chest so she should get a ring slapped on her left finger. No, I am not even kidding here:

1) The ‘youth’ ready for marriage has breasts. A woman who is to be married is one who has breasts; breasts which signal her readiness for marriage, and breasts who promise enjoyment for her husband. (We believe that ‘breasts’ here stand as a symbol for all forms of full secondary sexual characteristics.)

YEAH.

I had breasts at the age of thirteen. There was no way in hell I was even close to being ready for marriage. But that doesn’t matter to this guy; in his mind, “My body was ready.” I mean that in the literal sense of the word.

2) The ‘youth’ ready for marriage is ready to bear children. Unlike modern society Scripture sees the woman as a bearer, nurser, and raiser of children. The ‘young woman’ is the woman whose body is physically ready for these things, physically mature enough to handle them without damage.

Oh. Dear. PRIMUS.

There are girls who are in high school, who are fourteen years old who can physically bear children but they are not mentally ready! Hell, there are twenty five year olds who are aren’t ready! Having children is major life-changing event, even for those women who are mentally prepared.

But hey, as long as the fifteen year old lives through the labor, everything’s gonna be A-okay!

Libby Anne sums it up perfectly:

So, let’s review. Young people should marry before age 20. Girls should have breasts, but not be 12. So probably like at least 15. The betrothal, which happens before the official legal marriage, is binding. This way parents can betroth children who may not yet be legally able to marry in their state. The matches should be arranged by the fathers, and ideally the teenage boy’s father should pay a “bride price” to the teenage girl’s family. The young people in question are expected to accept the matches their parents arrange for them, period and full stop, and there is no reason to consult them in the process—it is their duty to accept the arrangement.

There’s only one thing I can say about all of this, other than a bunch of half-screamed expletives, I mean:

So who’s with me?