Normal is Just a City in Ohio*

*Normal, Ohio was actually a sitcom on CBS that got axed many years ago. I never had a chance to watch it and there was an episode that I seriously wanted to see because reasons.

Samantha Field has a post about the new normal and its aftermath. Take your time and peruse it, as there is a lot of truth there. Especially when it comes to the idea of normal.

“Normal” is something I know that I will never reach; after all of the years of living with my mother. Being far too sheltered, having decisions made for me, being punished for any and every infraction–no matter how small–has changed me. I can’t say what I might be like if none of this ever happened; I just know that I’d be a different person, maybe even considered normal.

I will never be normal. I am, however, better.

Better means I don’t dread going home, fearing punishment for something that might “piss somebody off”. Better means I don’t hate myself for making a mistake. Better means that I don’t have to worry about getting hit for literally no reason at all. Better means that I can fall asleep without tossing and turning, or dealing with constant, chronic insomnia. Better means that I don’t have to worry about someone threatening to take my pets away and dump them at the pound. Better means not flinching when someone lifts their hands. Better means saying the word “No” and actually meaning it. Better is knowing that I can leave something on my plate that I don’t like and I won’t have to stare at it for breakfast or lunch the next day. Better is not having the nightmares like I did when I was younger. Better is feeling happy to be alive and not feeling guilty about living out loud. Better is going on tour groups and taking in the sights and sounds of a new locale.

In all of those ways and so many more, I am better. In others, I am not.

Not better is when I jump at the sound of someone shouting. Not better is when I pull away because someone touches my neck. Not better is worrying that when a manager at work wants to speak to me, that it’s always something bad. (Most of the time, it really isn’t.) Not better is when I stand dumbfounded, begging Prime to take over and make a decision for me because I lack the skills to do so. Not better is fearing that I might get punished over some small screw up. Not better is worrying about things that I have no control over. Not better is being paralyzed by irrational fear. Not better is feeling that somehow, I’m just a massive damn fuck up and everybody knows it.

Not better is when I wonder if the planet would be a better place with my absence. Not better is a very dark place and some days I wonder if I can ever crawl out of it.

As I have said, normal will never be a thing in my case. There’s been a bit too much damage done to my psyche. I will however, be me. I will always be me.

For better or for worse, I think I can live with that.

Advertisements

About Silverwynde

I'm a Transformers fan, Pokémon player, Brewers fan and all-out general nerd. I rescue abandoned Golett, collect as many Bumblebee decoys and figures as I can find and I've attended every BotCon since 1999. I'm also happily married to a fellow Transfan named Prime and we are both owned by a very intelligent half-Siamese cat. Life is pretty darned awesome.
This entry was posted in Family Matters, Grief and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Normal is Just a City in Ohio*

  1. devicedude says:

    No matter what people say, «Normal» is not rigidly defined. Nor does it mean it is always the right thing. For thousands of years, slavery and sexism were normal. Did that alone make them right?

    In spite of the fundametalism that pervades this nation, I’m still happy we goe to live in a nation where we get to define ourselves. Whatever awful things happened in our past, we get to move forward, reach closure and start healing away…

    ~daiAtlas

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s