I found this on Facebook a few days ago and felt the urge to write. Yes, the piece is one-sided. I happen to be the one on the other side of this equation. And that side needs to be heard.
I know it’s been well over a year since we’ve talked. I haven’t ignored your texts or emails; I’ve actively blocked you. I’ve told you that I’m busy because I don’t want to see you. Yes, I understand that this is upsetting but I have to be blunt here.
It’s not me. It’s you.
Things have changed in my life and I learned really quick that you are toxic. Instead of being supportive of me, you’ve been critical. When I opened up about something extremely painful about my past, you judged me. You didn’t stop to listen to me. You instead made a snap judgement about what I said and tried to silence me. You knew what you were doing and knew that it would hurt me but you went ahead and said–or posted–what you did in spite of that.
You knew there would be repercussions. You outright said that there would be. In fact, you expected the worst. This is one of those repercussions.
See, the thing is I’ve seen your pattern. I’ve seen what you do: you act nicely for a bit, then you get judgmental towards me and then you unload a nice, long toxic tirade about how I’m wrong, or how I’m full of shit or how I’m whining or whatever. Then you stop and go full circle, trying to ingratiate yourself to me so that we can be “friends” again. It’s a crazy circle that I find absolutely exhausting and I don’t want to be on this merry-go-round anymore. I can’t deal with your level of toxicity. I’ve dealt with toxic people all of my life. I have to say “Stop!” somewhere along the way.
That’s why I’m not hanging out with you anymore. That’s why I blocked you online. That’s why I won’t talk to you again. It’s because I can’t go through this time and time again. I’ve dealt with abuse in my life and your behavior was adding to that. Back when we were younger I didn’t see it. I either ignored the gnawing feelings or I downplayed them, thinking that I was overreacting. It was all in my head, the way you were acting. Or maybe you were just in a bad mood. Or maybe I was just being too sensitive.
I’ve now looked back and realized that it was none of these things. That my feelings were valid. That the way you were treating me wasn’t the way a friend should treat me. Yes, it took me years to realize that but when I did, I knew what I had to do.
The decision wasn’t one I made lightly. I’ve known you for years. We’ve been tight since high school. We’ve felt like family for so long. But this was a decision that I had to make. Because I was tired of feeling bad. Because I was tired of feeling as though you were judging me and not supporting me. Because I was tired of feeling like I was simply there to make you feel better about yourself. So I ended it.
It wasn’t easy. I spent long nights wondering if I was doing the right thing. But for the first time in years, I feel as if I can mentally breathe, that I can be myself without looking over my shoulder, wondering how you might take it or if you’d be ready to tear me down. For the first time in years, I feel free.
I know this sucks. Whether or not you believe this, it sucks for me, too. I miss you and the crazy things we did, how we’d talk for hours or hang at the mall or do whatever crazy things we wanted. I miss our friendship, flawed and screwed up as it was. I’ve mourned for it as well. And I wish things could have been different.
It’s not like I didn’t give you a chance. I gave you several but it ended up as the same old song and dance every time. So I had to do this.
I won’t forget you. You’ve been a part of my life for so long that I will never forget you. I’ll always be grateful for our friendship. But I also know that we’ve changed. Our relationship has changed. Friendship is a lot like life: it changes and grows and in some cases, it does die. I’ve learned that over the years.
You won’t be hearing from me again. But you figured that out a while ago. But I do wish you the best. Even if I’m not in your life anymore, I wish you well.
Your Former Friend