Why the Only Thing Hans Fiene is Owed is a Smack Upside the Head, For Obvious Reasons

Here’s a fresh, steaming pile of shit for us to pick through. I found it while wandering the intertoobz; it seems to be making the rounds, as you can see. Once you read it, you’ll understand as to why. It’s pretty freaking terrible and the author needs to have his ears boxed for thinking like this.

Also, I’m not the type to condone violence but this guy and his antiquated thinking really do deserve a ringing slap upside the head while Cher shouts “Snap out of it!”. Because this guy really needs to snap the hell out of it. Now.

A word of warning: the language involved in this takedown is strong. If you find it offensive, you may not want to go past the jump. With that said, let’s get started, shall we?

The latest numbers on American birth rates are in, and they yield only one reasonable conclusion: All of us need to start having more babies or else the upcoming demographic tsunami will consume our nation, cripple our social programs, and leave us with a future so bleak that our only source of joy will be the moment we’re chosen to receive the sweet, fatal kiss of the Obamacare Death Panels, the Trumpcare Firing Squads, or the OprahCare Hemlock Squadrons.

Perhaps I’m overstating the danger a bit, but the point remains: Americans need to raise our sagging birth rates. One of the best ways we can do so is by reversing the trend of Americans waiting longer to get married. So, apart from tearing down America’s institutions of higher education, which tend to slow down the recitation of wedding vows, how do we do that? It’s quite simple. We tear down the Friend Zone.

Wow. First of all, Libby Anne does a great takedown of this. Do yourself a favor, head over to her blog and read it. She says more about it than I ever could so I’ll keep my thoughts minimal.

However, this is the typical “White people, you need to get to breedin’ cuz them brown people iz havin’ more babies than yew!” It’s racial fearmongering yet again, which is ridiculous. People like this are terrified that somehow, someway, someday, the Caucasian race will end up being the minority here in the United States.

It’s almost as if these people fear becoming a minority. It wouldn’t be because minorities are treated poorly in this country, is it? I do wonder…

Every year, countless young men find themselves trapped in the Friend Zone, a prison where women place any man they deem worthy of their time but not their hearts, men they’d love to have dinner with but, for whatever reason, don’t want to kiss goodnight.

Being caught in the Friend Zone is an inarguable drag on fertility rates, as a man who spends several years pledging his heart to a woman who will never have his children is also a man who most likely won’t procreate with anyone else during that time of incarceration. Free him to find a woman who actually wants to marry him, however, and he’ll have several more years to sire children who will laugh, create, sing, fill the world with love and, most importantly, pay into Social Security.

It seems that Fiene believes that guys should be given sex. They are owed sexual congress. If you happen to be female and you’re not giving a male that, then you need to step aside and let another female take your place who will give that “poor” male sex.

Let’s get something perfectly damned straight here: no one owes you anything, Fiene. Seriously. Just because you are friends with someone of the opposite sex does not mean that this person somehow “owes” you a date or a kiss or sex or anything of that nature. Are we clear on this? You are not “incarcerated” because a friend of the opposite sex won’t throw themselves into bed with you. If you honestly believe that, then you seriously need to get the hell over yourself.

Before you ask: I have a lot of male friends. I have always had a lot of male friends, even when I was in school. My teens and twenties? I had one female friend and at least five male friends. I get along better with guys because we have a tendency to like the same things.

Quite simply, for the sake of our future, the Friend Zone must be destroyed. For the Friend Zone to be destroyed, women must accept the following truths: you don’t have any guy friends and, in fact, you can’t have any guy friends.

How can we destroy something that doesn’t exist in the first place? Again, here’s an article that needs to be read; take the time to do it. Once again, it all boils down to this: you aren’t owed anything by anyone. No one owes another human being sex. It’s not that difficult an idea to comprehend.

Agency is awesome, isn’t it?

Imagine that friendship is a good that people acquire in exchange for the currency of their time. The average man lives in a competitive friendship market where some forms of friendship appeal to him more than others and therefore get his business. What then, is the average man looking for in a friend? By and large, something along these lines:

  1. Someone who shares his interest in activities such as watching movies where things explode, playing video games where things explode, or putting fireworks in things so they’ll explode. Bonus points if you enjoy yelling at football players through the television set and laughing at noxious flatulence.
  2. Someone who won’t pressure him to open up beyond his comfort level if his girlfriend breaks up with him,he loses his job, or his mom gets eaten by a yeti.
  3. Someone who cherishes the man tradition of showing affection through insults and general jackassery.

And women can’t like action movies or baseball because…? Because I do on both counts and I am female. When I’m at work and in the breakroom, I’m switching our television over to something that has explosions, robots, action, stuff like that. I don’t care about Game Show Network, the home improvement channels are boring. I want the explosions. Because they are awesome.

Oh and I also happen to like bawdy jokes and toilet humor. And Prime and I exchange insults on a daily basis. It’s a thing with us.

If you are a lady who believes your dude friends are genuinely “just friends,” ask yourself this: Which of these things are you better at giving a man than another man is?

The answer is clear. None of them. You are not especially good at liking “Karate Ninja 7: Exploding Hands of Fury,” or informing the offensive line of the Chicago Bears, via your Samsung, that they are all false starting idiots.

Bender_Laughing
I hate to break it to you, Hans–mind if I call you Hans?–but there are women in the Green Bay area who know more about football than you. If you don’t believe me, just visit the area. Your head will pop once you hear these women talk about how our starting quarterback has the advantage over the opposing team’s or how our tailback being on the IR might be a bad thing. Hell, I’m one of the few in Miller Park who won’t get excited over a towering pop-up; I know it’s an out, just a very impressive one. But a good number of the guys sitting next to me will start hooting and shouting as if they’re seeing a home run.

A little advice: watch the arc of the ball. That will tell you where it is going to land, whether it’s in an outfielder’s glove of the bullpen of the opposing team. But hey, I’m just a female; how should I know anything about sportsball? 🙄

Yes, Hans, there are ladies out there who know more about action movies, ninjas and sports than you. Why? Because they actually enjoy all of the above. Gamer girls exist. Geek girls are real. If you don’t believe me, head to a Transformers convention. Go to SDCC. Hit an anime convention, for heaven’s sake. You know what you’ll see there? Females. Females who also happen to have a really good handle on comic books, actions figures and the latest Studio Ghibli films.

In other words, these are women who can hold their own when talking to a guy. What a concept.

If a guy wants to show you how much he values your friendship by calling you turd blossom or making you think you’re going to die in a skydiving accident, you probably won’t take that as a display of tenderness. By and large, you are not very good at supplying the kind of friendship the average man demands.

I’m going to have to have you talk to my hubby, Hans. Most of his friends are, in fact, female. Prime has a tendency to get along with women better than men. He’s always gotten along with women better than he has with men. That’s just a fact.

Oh, and he also doesn’t really give half a slag about the gender of his friends; he’s just glad to have friends.

If, then, the average male coworker, male neighbor, or male Nepalese yak herder is better at producing masculine companionship, why is an average man giving his business to you? It’s not because he wants your friendship. It’s because he wants to convince you to open up the supply chain of a romantic relationship to him, and he foolishly believes he can do so by being a loyal friendship customer. “Pay my dues in the Friend Zone,” he thinks, “and one day she’ll promote me to boyfriend.”

Again, NO ONE OWES YOU ANYTHING. Sex is not like oxygen; you do not need it to survive. Stop thinking otherwise.

Just because men don’t want to be your friend, however, doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy your company. They most certainly do. They love discovering how you see the world, what you think about life, the universe, and everything. They love your kindness, thoughtfulness, sensitivity, support, and your nurturing heart. They love being in your presence when you display the wonders of the feminine virtues.

By feminine virtues, you mean fucking, amirite? Because it totes sounds like you mean fucking here.

But because God designed these virtues to entice men into marriage, the average man will never be content to receive those gifts in a form of companionship that doesn’t lead to marriage. Quite simply, men can’t be at peace being just friends. And there’s nothing you can do to change that. Platonic chilling won’t stop your inner (and outer) beauty from pulling a man towards romantic love. Telling him he’s like a brother to you won’t stop his brain from shouting “Marry that woman and impregnate her now” when he encounters your femininity.

Yep, fucking. Nail meet hammer, hammer, nail. Hope you guys have a great time together.

Not only this is a tired damned trope, it is sexist as hell. It makes all men look like sex-craving cretins who simply want to be near something female so that they can get into said female’s pants. Sadly, this sounds like every stereotypical depiction of men by radical feminists: all they care about is knocking a woman up. Some radfems go so far as to refer to men as “the Great Impregnators”.

So if you thought you were helping your case, Hans, I got news for you. You were not. Instead, you happen to look more than a little uneducated.

Accept the truth, ladies. You don’t have any guy friends. You can’t have any guy friends. And because America can no longer afford to have its young adults waste their fertile years thinking otherwise, the time has come to tear down the Friend Zone and set free every man trapped within its confines.

Get to fucking, white people! Your race needs you! We don’t want to fall behind all those brown guys! If I roll my eyes anymore, I’m going to tear one of my optic nerves.

Consider your best guy friend. Are you attracted to him? Does he fill you with the biological desire to repopulate the earth? If not, then do your “friend” a solid and let him go. Call him up and tell him, “It’s not my fault that your facial symmetry grosses out my ovaries, but it was my fault that I got your hopes up by putting you in the Friend Zone. As restitution, please accept the phone numbers of five girls I know who find you attractive. Stop wasting your time with me and go hang out with a girl who might one day bear your children.”

Do this now. Don’t hesitate, thinking that you don’t want to lose him as a friend. The truth is, you’ve never had him as one.

Good lord, is shitting out kids all you can think about, Hans? As I’ve said before: MY HUSBAND HAS A LOT OF FEMALE FRIENDS. THAT DOES NOT MEAN HE WANTS TO SEX WITH THEM. Oh and I have a guy friend who happens to be married to another guy. Think about that, Hans. Seriously think about it.

Conversely, if you find your guy friend attractive, and if you see him as a man of character and heart, then call him right now and tell him that he was placed in the Friend Zone due to a clerical error. Say to him, “You make me laugh and would be a great husband and father. Clearly, you need to be on the express track to the Marriage Zone.”

In other words, settle. That’s a horrible idea.

People might make great friends but as soon as they commit to each other in a more serious relationship, things go wrong. It’s happened. I’ve seen it happen. Hell, it happened to me. I would have been better off remaining friends with my ex than dating him. When we got serious, that was the death knell to our relationship; I just didn’t know it at the time.

Now Prime and I were friends before we married. We had been friends a while before we got married. When Prime and I met, I wasn’t looking for a relationship, other than friendship. Our friendship led me here.

In my case, it worked. But in others, it may not. Sex can make sane people do insane things. It can absolutely destroy a great friendship. This isn’t something to be taken lightly. Just in general, some people are terrible at marriage and relationships like marriage. This isn’t for everyone. So I really wish that Hans would realize that and stop proclaiming that it is.

Don’t worry that he’ll reject you. Just as the vast majority of mythological sailors didn’t want to crash their ships into the rocks when they pursued the beauty of the sirens’ song, he most certainly didn’t want to end up here when he began pursuing your song. Don’t worry that he was genuinely only in this for the friendship. Truth be told, you were never particularly good at offering him that in the first place. But you will be quite good at offering him what God designed you to give him—marital bliss.

So get brave. Get married. Get pregnant a bunch of times and give birth to a bunch of beautiful little future taxpayers. The time has come to fight for our future. The time has come to rebuild America’s demographic glory atop the rubble of the fertility-killing Friend Zone.

Yep, shitting out kids. That is all dear Hans cares about. But I also want to let Hans in on a little secret: Prime and I are married. We fornicate. We have no children. We are not planning to have any children; I’m middle-aged and on meds that can do fetal damage. (Tamoxifen is a helluva drug.) Accounting for that and my terrible genetics–hello BRCA!–having a child would be a horrible idea. Does this mean that my marriage doesn’t count?

Just because a couple is married does not mean that they will start having kids immediately. Having children is a personal choice and some don’t mind the marriage thing but know that they will suck at the parenting thing. So guess what? They skip having kids. It’s not the tragedy that Hans claims it is; there are 7.5 billion people on this planet. Yes, we can tone down the reproduction a little and it won’t hurt us that much. I mean, let’s not burn through all the resources this planet has; I’m not sure if we can find another class M planet so quickly.

According to dear old Hans, he was just joking… well, about 60% of the piece was just joking. However, he doesn’t say which 60% and he’s dead serious about the whole “Friend Zone” thing so you may as well say that the entire damn thing was a joke. A very bad one at that. It makes me wonder if this guy has had any friends at all, let alone female ones. Because after reading this, I am really forced to wonder.

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About Silverwynde

I'm a Transformers fan, Pokémon player, Brewers fan and all-out general nerd. I rescue abandoned Golett, collect as many Bumblebee decoys and figures as I can find and I've attended every BotCon since 1999. I'm also happily married to a fellow Transfan named Prime and we are both owned by a very intelligent half-Siamese cat. Life is pretty darned awesome.
This entry was posted in And Now For Something Completely Different, Bullshit, racism, Sexism and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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