11 Things That Should Make You Run Like Hell

I found this hot, steaming pile at the Friendly Atheist: called 11 THINGS EVERY REAL CONSERVATIVE SHOULD ASK ON A FIRST DATE–yes, the all caps title really is a thing–by Kurt Schlichter, it’s a study in WTF?.

No, I will not link to the actual article. This asshat doesn’t need any more clicks or revenue. Again, if this isn’t your thing, don’t hit below the jump. Everyone else, I’m ready if you are.

So we start out with this little “gem”, if you will:

Recently, a young being – I don’t want to presume its gender identity, but it’ll probably throw a hissy fit about my blatant chrono-shaming anyway – scribbled an article titled 10 Things Every Intersectional Feminist Should Ask On a First Date for his/her/xir fellow liberal freaks. It’s an illuminating view into the twisted minds of the SJWs, but the article never answers the first question we all asked ourselves reading the title: “Why the hell would anyone ever date an intersectional feminist?

Anyway, her/his/xir article is meant to help her/his/xir readers determine whether their prospective mates will be adequate “accomplices in the fight against white supremacy, queerphobia, and misogyny” because “[i]f you’re not going to support marginalized folks, then we can’t be friends, let alone date. The personal is political.” Wow, he/she/xe seems super fun, huh?

We Normals seek accomplices in reproduction, while SJWs seek accomplices in ideological onanism. Take solace in the fact that we are totally going to outbreed these lunatics.

Hur, dat’s so funnee! He not know what to call aw-thor! /sarcasm

Have ya ever considered, Kurt, calling someone what they wish to be called? Because that’s a little thing known as “being polite”. I know it’s hard for you and your dude-brain, but at least give it a shot.

Oh, and you mind if I call you Sparky? Wait, I give no fucks if you care or not. I’m just speaking my mind and not giving a damn how a “special snowflake” might feel. You know, no safe spaces and all that crap. Since you’re so “normal” and all.

Apparently, Sparky here never considered the idea that someone might want companionship. Because you know, all relationships are meant for one thing: pooping out little genetic copies of oneself. Nothing else in the equation matters.

Yeah, I’ll bet this guy is a freaking blast at parties.

Also, I’m pretty sure that evangelicals feel the exact same, yet their kids are leaving the church. Bad ideas are bad ideas. But it gets better, if you will:

But as conservatives, it’s vital that we also do some screening of our own. After all, the last thing we want to do is inadvertently turn down a Darwinian not-a-through-street and spawn more liberals. I’m out of the dating game thanks to my closed-minded, heavily-armed, hot American-Cuban wife, but let me try to help out you singleberries with some questions to assist you in detecting any right-swipes who are actually covert leftist weirdos, losers, and/or mutations.

Yes, he actually used the word “singleberries”. I wish I could say I was kidding here. Because JEEZ! Talk about putting the stupidity on display over here; “I iz young, hip and tren-day!”

No, dude. You are not. You never were. You never will be. All this does is make you look pretty pathetic. Just stop, please.

1. Do you believe that any group’s lives matter more than others?

The answer should be a resounding, “Yes!”

American lives matter more than the lives of foreigners, our allies matter more than our enemies, and some people – like jihadists, perverts, and people who refuse to acknowledge the manifest truth that Die Hard is a Christmas movie – matter not at all and should be hunted for sport.

If your date starts telling you some races matter more than others, get up and leave – preferably sticking your date with the check. The last thing you want is some prog-eugenicist who puts people into categories based on where their great-great-great grandfather came from and then justifying it because every pale truck driver from Lawton, Oklahoma, was somehow born with overwhelming privilege.

Actually, if your date ever uses the term “privilege” non-ironically, ditch.

Translation: white lives matter. All them brown people? Not so much.

Also, he thinks he’s funny with the dad joke of “Die Hard is a Christmas movie”. Something tells me that this is the type of guy that sits at home and laughs at his own farts because “It’s so funnee!!” Personally, I think if a date uses the sentence, “Die Hard is my favorite Christmas movie” non-ironically, you should not only ditch, but stick them with the check… after you’ve had some top shelf vodka on their dime. But that’s just me.

2. How many genders are there?

The proper answer is, “Two.”

There are two genders. Not three. Not four. Not sixty–seven. Two. Male. Female. That is all.

Bender_Laughing

Okay, so apparently Schlichter doesn’t know that there are fungi with 20,000 sexesthe female spotted hyena has a pseudo-penis, and New Mexico whiptail lizards don’t need males to reproduce.

So much for “Male and female created he them“. Because if that’s what an omnipotent creator god created, then s/he has one helluva sense of humor. Or is blatantly fucking with us. It could be either/or in this case.

Or–wait for it–god isn’t real and all this evolved to suit its native environment. What a concept, eh, Sparky?

3. How do you work to dismantle sexism in your life?

The correct answer is, “I don’t. I work to support myself with a job so I’m not some freeloading bum feeding off of Uncle Sucker.”

If your date has enough dough to indulge in this whiny posturing – money probably provided by his/her ultra-disappointed father, who is living back in some suburb and wondering where he went wrong – then stick him/her with the check.

And if this person actually is feminist and has a job? Does that mean saying this to the author in question will cause his brain to explode? I’m willing to bet that it will. Especially if the feminist in question makes more money. Think I kid? One of my former acquaintances was a stay-at-home husband; his wife made enough money to support him. But don’t tell Sparky that. It would cause his Man Feelings to shrivel. Along with something else, if you know what I mean.

4. What are your thoughts on guns?

Your date should answer, “You don’t have enough guns.” This answer should come before you mention just how many guns you already have.

Relationship Rule of Thumb: No one gets to first base without an appreciation of the Second Amendment.

But if she doesn’t let you get to first base, does that mean you use your Second Amendment to force the issue because “you’re still a guy“?

But in all seriousness, more guns aren’t going to help. As someone who dealt with a shooting at her workplace, I know this for a fact. Legal gun ownership is no panacea. I learned that the hard way on an August morning back in 2013.

5. Do you support Israel in its fight against Seventh Century savagery?

The only acceptable response is, “Oh, hell yeah.”

Extra points if your date adds, “Every time the IDF launches an airstrike on Hamas an angel gets his wings. And all that land the Palestinian thugs are squatting on? That’s part of Israel too.”

In other words, bomb them brown people back to the Stone Age so that GAWD will love our country and spare it during the Last Days. That’s the absolute bottom line here.

6. What is your understanding of settler colonialism?

Your date must understand that it is awesome.

The greatest achievement of the last thousand years was the European settlement of North America (South America – whatever) and the building of the nation that is the greatest beacon of justice and freedom in human history – the United States of America.

Elizabeth Warren notwithstanding, Native Americans are terrific in many ways, including their legendary record as warriors serving in America’s armed forces, and they sure don’t need or want some lib doofus’s pretend pity. There’s no cheaper, tackier sentiment than a pinko rich chick from Brentwood calling Thanksgiving “a celebration of genocide” and whinging on about how those mean old settlers conquered the continent back in the olden days of the 1940s or something – as if she’s ready to pack up her condo and move back across the ocean with 325 million other folks.

Uh, yeah, about that: you’d be leaving as well. Did you even consider that? Oh wait, you and critical thinking don’t exactly get along, do they, Sparky?

Admitting that America has flaws does not mean you hate the damned country. It means pointing out the bad shit so we don’t do the bad shit ever again. You know, “Try and be better”. I know it’s a difficult concept for you to wrap your guy-brain around, but you could at least try.

7. Do you think socialism is wonderful?

Your date should ask, “Is that a sick joke?”

The last thing you want is some commie pestering you about how, “True socialism has never been tried!” Look, if 100 million dead isn’t enough to put your date off the Marxist garbage his/her professors shoveled at him/her in school, then your best case scenario is waking up and finding all your cash missing.

Whoops.

If that’s the case, build your own roads and schools. Keep those roads serviceable as well. Fix all those potholes yourself and keep that thing snow and ice free in the winter. Oh and if your house is on fire, don’t dial 911. Because all taxation is theft, don’t you know. It’s like that in some areas of Alaska. If your home is outside city and county lines and is in the bush country, you have to deal with everything yourself. That includes putting out your own house fire or dealing with a family member’s heart attack. No, they do not pay taxes on the land in certain areas but they do pay a very heavy price for that. You didn’t think of that, did ya, Sparky?

8. Do you believe in climate change?

The answer is, “Yes.” The climate changes all the time. What you really want to know is whether your date is a cultist affiliated with the liberals’ weird weather religion.

Here’s a good way to find out. Offer to drive your date, in a Ford F-150 pick-up truck with no catalytic converter, to a local wood fire BBQ joint that advertises, “We have the best ribs and the biggest carbon footprint in town!”

If your date’s response is, “But that seems like a socially irresponsible earth-crime against Gaia,” go alone. If your date’s response is, “Let’s Uber instead so we can both drink lots of beer,” consider proposing marriage.

What if your date says, “A pick-up truck? So how small is it? Are we talking micro or concave?” Because every single time I see a guy who claims to love guns and is behind the wheel of a huge pick-up, I think, “Wow, it’s literally concave in his case, isn’t it?” Because it looks like over-compensation to me.

I’d say that you need to watch Cosmos with Neil deGrasse Tyson so you can understand the whole concept of climate change, but it’s more than apparent you think that book learnin’ and sciencin’ ain’t for REAL MEN™.

9. Do you support people from Islamic countries?

The right answer is, “Yes, which is why I support American warriors hunting down and killing jihadist scum in whatever stinking cesspool these cowardly semi humans are hiding in.”

Ten bonus points if this prompts your date to mention his/her Army tour in the Middle East. Five points if it was with the Marines, three for Navy. If Air Force, no bonus points and expect your date to complain that the restaurant’s chairs aren’t comfy enough.

Shove-It-Up-Your-Butthole

Seriously.

We get it, Sparky: brown people have you pooping yourself at night. You don’t have to be so blatant about it. But I’m sure you’d be the first to claim that you’re totes not bigoted. Not at all. You’re just concerned about “white civilization”. Yep, not bigoted at all.

Excuse me whilst I go vomit.

10. So, what do you think of CNN and the mainstream media?

This should provoke a tidal wave of obscenities and profanities and a torrent of phrases like “fake news,” “That weasel Don Lemon…” and “Don’t even get me started on Brian ‘Tater’ Stelter….”

If your date says something like, “Well, I think journalists try really hard to be objective and do the best they can to report the truth,” then you should – depending on how hot your date is – either bail immediately, or work to help your date get conservative woke. Some awesome conservative literature is a good start.

wp-1509771403270.jpg

And if your date responds, “I don’t watch Faux News for the same reason I refuse to eat out of a sewer”, what then? How would Sparky here react? Would he try and splutter out a reply of, “But it’s fair and balanced!”? Or would his brain simply shut down?

No, CNN is not perfect. But at least they report on actual news and not “Why people are freaking out about the cheeseburger emoji”. (Yes, that was a thing that happened. No joke.)

Also, notice his choice of words here: “depending on how hot your date is”. Because ugly people don’t deserve second chances. Or something.

That is probably the most telling thing in this. If s/he is physically attractive, get ’em on your side. Because no one wants to bang some troll!

Ugh. If that’s the case, I wonder how this guy even wound up married.

11. So, do you consider yourself Never Trump?

This is a deal killer. Sure, if your date is a Never Trumper, you might get a Conservative, Inc., cruise out of it – provided you’re willing to sit through a scintillating panel discussion with Bill Kristol talking to Ben Sasse about health care reform and spend your evenings drinking Idaho chardonnay on the Lido Deck while David Frum reminisces about back when he mattered.

But don’t do it. If your date answers in the affirmative, you can be sure that, like with the president, no matter what you do, no matter how conservative you are, your date will never be satisfied with you and will spend the rest of the date complaining about your lack of True Conservative™ principles. And you can be equally sure that if your date is a Salon Approved Fredocon, you’re unlikely to ever be satisfied either.

“Oooh, a Trump supporter! Guess what? I grab back.” Then watch as the dude squirms uncomfortably in his chair. Because this is totes a dude writing dude rules for dudes because ladies aren’t even in the equation unless you can knock ’em up. I really wish I was kidding about that.  

But I have to be honest here: I’m glad this guy was so upfront. It makes avoiding his sort of ilk that much easier. So this over thought and extremely wilted word salad wasn’t a total waste. At least, not in that regard. Maybe Sparky should consider that a win. Or not.

About Silverwynde

I'm a Transformers fan, Pokémon player, Brewers fan and all-out general nerd. I rescue abandoned Golett, collect as many Bumblebee decoys and figures as I can find and I've attended every BotCon--official and non--since 1999. I'm also happily married to a fellow Transfan named Prime and we were both owned by a very intelligent half-Siamese cat, who crossed the Rainbow Bridge on June 16, 2018. We still miss him. But we're now the acting staff of a Maine Coon kitty named Lulu, who pretty much rules the house. Not that we're complaining about that.
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