Title from here.
Earlier today, I heard the news of the death of Dolores O’Riordan. Saying that I’m stunned is putting it very mildly. The Cranberries was one of my favorite groups, the song “Linger” and “Dreams” among my favorite songs. However, it was one of their songs from Bury the Hatchet that got me through one of the worst times in my life.
Back when the album was released, records stores were still A Thing That Existed. We had one in the local mall and it had a truly amazing set-up: there were several spots located throughout the store that featured a pair of headphones and a newer released CD. You could walk over and listen to a couple of tracks before deciding to drop the money on that brand new disc, as CDs were pretty danged expensive back in those days. During the summer of 1999, I was wandering the aisles of this store and happened upon one of the listening stations. It featured Bury the Hatchet. I popped on the headphones and listened to part of the first track, then went to the second. That was when I froze.
I hope that you miss me
Put me down on history
I feel such a reject now
Ger yourself a life
I hope that you’re sorry
For not accepting me
For not adoring me
That’s why I’m not your wife
Those words, that verse, hit me and hit me hard.
I had just gotten out of the break-up with my ex. I was still hurt and angry but I had no real way of saying that I was hurt and angry. Sure, I had listened to and half screamed the lyrics to “You Oughta Know”–the F-bomb included, which was difficult living with my parents because they didn’t tolerate that word in their house–but something about “Loud and Clear” resonated. My ex and I were not getting back together. There was literally no way in hell we were ever getting married. It was over, whether I wanted to admit it. This song said everything that I couldn’t. But it also said something that I wanted to say:
I hope that you never
Get the things you wanted to
Now I cast a spell on you
Complicate your life
Hope you get a puncture
Everywhere you ever drive
Hope the sun beats down on you and
Skin yourself alive
This was a sharp, loud “Fuck you!” that I couldn’t enunciate. It summed up just how badly I had been hurt and how I felt about it. Every single time I heard those lyrics–I kept skipping back to the second track–I would smirk slightly. Oh, how I wanted to say those words to my ex. How I wanted to sing them to him as he squirmed in protest. Petty, I know but you know the saying, “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. Trust me when I say that I was pretty damned scorned.
Even thought that break-up took place years ago, I still have a soft spot for that song. To this day, if I’m angry or upset, this is my go to song.
I can’t thank Ms. O’Riordan for getting me through one of the darker parts of my life, I can’t tell her that her angry lyrics actually gave a voice to how I felt, to say the things I couldn’t. So, I will say it here. Thank you, thank you for all that you have done. I only wish that you could still be here. The world is emptier without you.