We got snow yesterday. I thought it was supposed to snow on Sunday but I guess I was wrong. It wasn’t a lot; maybe around two inches or so. Nothing major, but just enough to make driving interesting. I found that out this morning.

It’s been two years since I started this journey, dealing with my breasts and the chance that they may try and kill me. It’s a little hard to believe.

In some ways, I’m okay. I’m used to the tamoxifen. I can deal with the side effects. Going to see the doctor doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m used to being inside a hospital. Needles still bug me, but I can manage.

In other ways, I’m not okay.

There are days when I wonder what may happen next. The question, “Will I be all right?” runs through my head constantly. I worry about my body and whether or not it’s trying to kill me. Small aches and pains become the focus of worry. Anxiety is a constant and unwelcome companion.

I need a vacation from my own thoughts. It doesn’t seem that I’ll get one. The low level worry is slowly driving me mad. There are days I fear that I might crack under the strain and start screaming.

Maybe that wouldn’t be such a terrible thing. It couldn’t hurt.

Even worse, I’ve slipped into my old coping mechanisms. I’d rather spend my time listening to podcasts and mindlessly clicking on GPX+. I don’t want to do anything that requires thinking. Just mindless repetition. It’s the only thing that calms me.

Or at the very least, it drowns out the voices in my head.

About Silverwynde

I'm a Transformers fan, Pokémon player, Brewers fan and all-out general nerd. I rescue abandoned Golett, collect as many Bumblebee decoys and figures as I can find and I've attended every BotCon--official and non--since 1999. I'm also happily married to a fellow Transfan named Prime and we were both owned by a very intelligent half-Siamese cat, who crossed the Rainbow Bridge on June 16, 2018. We still miss him. But we're now the acting staff of a Maine Coon kitty named Lulu, who pretty much rules the house. Not that we're complaining about that.
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1 Response to Coping

  1. Device Dude says:

    Hang in there Silverwynde. A vacation to a TF convention this year is in order. Hope to see you there. 🙂


    Liked by 1 person

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