(You might notice that the fonts on my blog are different. I decided to switch them up a bit. On my first blog, I defaulted to Arial for my posts; I liked its look. Apparently, I prefer “no frills”.)
Last night, Prime took the liberty of deleting an old blog he was using; it had been set up as a central hub for a faction he headed while he was playing Marvel’s War of Heroes. Since he hasn’t been playing the game for a number of years, there was no point in keeping the page up and running. (To be quite honest, I don’t even know if the game is running now. It could have been terminated a couple of years ago.) But before he deleted the page, he let me read one of the comments that had been left there. It was from S______. And it was basically a “why hasn’t Silvy spoken to me in two years” comment.
Okay, first off, it’s been longer. While I was on Blogger, I started to tone down the amount of posts I made back in 2013. That was the year that had me dealing with trauma, due to the shooting that occurred in my store. I wasn’t turning to my blog all that often in the aftermath of the incident, mostly due to S______. She had begun tone policing me in earnest well before then, so I didn’t feel that my blog was a safe enough space in order for me to sort through my emotions.
Think about that for a moment. I didn’t feel that my own blog, the one that I controlled personally, was a safe enough environment for me to explore and confront my trauma. Just how screwed up is that?
I didn’t post again for several months. Now, when I did post a tribute to Bob Hoskins in 2014, I left myself wide open for attack. That was when S______ posted her screed, which was directed to me, on Mother’s Day of that year. At that point, I all but gave up on blogging. It was a year before I posted again, commenting on the Duggar situation in 2015.
That was when S______ pounced. She started chatting with me via Yahoo! Messenger. It was during this exchange that she told me about my ex and how he was now on the autism spectrum.
There was the final nail. I pretty much quit Blogger the day after that. I just couldn’t deal with it anymore.
Now, she should have noticed the pattern: my activity level kept dropping off whenever she would tone police me. Hell, when she published her screed, one of the first few sentences states outright that I might never speak to her again. So she knew the consequences of her actions. She knew that this could be a possible outcome.
But it hasn’t sunk in yet, I guess. She doesn’t get it. Or my hand will be forced and I’ll have to post a comment on her blog or worse, my own, and tell her the absolute truth. It’s not something that I want to do, believe me. I’d have to be brutally honest with her, telling her that the tone policing was hurtful, that I don’t care to know what my ex may or may not be doing, that she jumped to a lot of conclusions when she wrote that screed.
In other words, I’d have to speak the truth. Not a lot of people can handle that well. Especially if the person saying this has always tried to put other people’s feelings first. I have a filter; the last thing I ever want to do is upset anyone. And to tell her the reasons why I’m not speaking to her would cut her deeply.
But then again, it may be out of my hands. The decision might be made for me. If that happens, I dread the day.