Letters to Sammy: The First Day


Dear Sammy,

We made it through, your dad and I. Today was the first day without you. We’re coping as well as can be expected, but it isn’t easy.

This morning, I had to fight the urge to grab some food and feed you. I have no idea where that syringe has gone but I wanted to find it. I know you hated that thing; you gave it dirty looks when you saw it in my hand and even flipped it out of my fingers once. You weren’t the least bit sorry about that, I could tell. I couldn’t blame you. I hated using it.

Work was difficult. I wanted to go home the moment I got there. It was so hard for me not to start crying while I was by the doors. I heard some of Roxette’s “Listen to Your Heart” while on the steel walk today. The chorus goes like this:

I don’t know where you’re going and I don’t know why
But listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye

Those lyrics were too much. I had to stop where I was before I started sobbing. Because goodbye was the last thing I ever wanted to say to you.

It’s turned fairly hot. Today would be one of those days where I’d pop your canned food in the fridge so you could have a delicious, cold treat. I’d put ice cubes in your water dish so your water would be nice and cool. I’d point the fan at you, so you could enjoy the breeze. Whatever it took to cool you down, I’d do it.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I know that I didn’t dream–or if I did I can’t remember them–but I woke far too early and couldn’t get back to sleep. Your dad was up as well; he really misses you, Sammy. But I think you already knew how much he loves you. He made that obvious.

I’ve been crying a lot. If tears could bring you back, you’d still be here. If saying “I love you” could have fixed you, you’d have outlived us. I miss your silly snaggle-toothed grin. I miss your “Hello?” when I get home. I’ll miss you tripping me up as I try to clean the litter box. I’ll miss the shed hairs and whiskers on my clothes.

But most of all, I’ll miss you.



P.S. I really did want to cook you a swordfish steak and let you eat the whole thing while your dad watched. It would have been funny to hear him complain that you were eating better than him.

P.P.S. I’m willing to bet right now that if we could have made that happen, your dad wouldn’t say anything at all. He’d just be glad you’re here.

About Silverwynde

I'm a Transformers fan, Pokémon player, Brewers fan and all-out general nerd. I rescue abandoned Golett, collect as many Bumblebee decoys and figures as I can find and I've attended every BotCon--official and non--since 1999. I'm also happily married to a fellow Transfan named Prime and we were both owned by a very intelligent half-Siamese cat, who crossed the Rainbow Bridge on June 16, 2018. We still miss him. But we're now the acting staff of a Maine Coon kitty named Lulu, who pretty much rules the house. Not that we're complaining about that.
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