Update

It’s one of biggest holes you will ever have.

You might have noticed a new page on my blog. I put it together yesterday in memory of our beloved cat. Sammy hadn’t been doing particularly well for the last couple of weeks; I had gotten him to the veterinarian to try and take care of whatever health issues he had been having and giving him a chance to fight.

It seemed to work. At first. He began eating again. His energy levels went up a bit. He acted like the Sammy I knew and adored. However, this positive turn of events didn’t last. Sammy started refusing to eat and I had to feed him via syringe. He started gaining weight around his midsection, but began losing weight elsewhere. He began to struggle with dehydration. Today was his lowest point.

Sammy was retaining fluid. This was indicative of a systematic problem, which could have been caused by a heart problem, kidney disease, or cancer. Apparently, his heart seemed alright which left us with the other two possibilities.

If we were to treat the problem, it may have involved surgery–risky due to his age–and chemotherapy. Or it would have been lengthy, overnight stays in an animal hospital. There would have been lifelong medication, which comes with side effects. All of this may have lengthened his life.

But that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t have been in pain.

We had to make a decision. It was the hardest decision Prime and I have ever made. But we decided to end his suffering.

Sammy left us the same way as he came into our lives so many years ago: in Prime’s arms. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I’ve cried so much that my eyes feel gritty. Worse, just when I think that I’m done crying, more tears will start rolling down my face. Right now, I should be asleep but I’m too upset to close my eyes.

Prime hasn’t been taking this well, either. We’re both utterly devastated.

However, I am grateful for one, small thing: I had the opportunity to be with Sammy in his last moments. I was able to hold him, talk to him and to say goodbye. This is, quite literally, the first time I have ever had this opportunity. Heartbroken though I may be, I was with Sammy at the end. I will always be grateful for that.

I will also always miss our little Sammy. Seventeen years was not long enough.