Asshat of the Week: Diarrhea of the Mouth Edition

Different year, same Asshats. This is exhausting and I’m not even kidding. 2019 is gonna be a long decade. Welcome to Asshat of the Week, where I find an asshat and place their asshattery on display for the entire multiverse to see. Because asshats are not sapient enough to realize that they are asshats; they are too busy inspecting the lower portion of their digestive tract and finding nothing of consequence. That is just how oblivious asshats can be on a weekly basis. This week’s oblivious, bloviating asshat is a repeat offender: It’s the infamous asshat with a constant case of verbal diarrhea, Jesse Lee Peterson. You may not remember, but Jesse Lee was the asshat who swore that Brett Kavanaugh wasn’t a “real man” because he had only girls in his family and no boys and “real men” have masculine, macho, beefy, boy babies first! Because genetics just aren’t a thing in Jesse Lee’s world… until they are. This piece was found via RightWingWatch and I’ll let the asshattery speak for itself. Just the first paragraph is a recipe for death via facepalm. I’m not joking:

On his radio program today, right-wing commentator Jesse Lee Peterson told a caller to break up with the woman with whom he has been in a relationship for five years because she has a child who was conceived via rape.

Yep, you read that correctly: Ole Jesse Lee told someone to break up with his long term significant other because she has a child. Oh, not a child that was willingly conceived, mind you. No, a child conceived. By. RAPE. I couldn’t make this sort of asshattery up if I tried.

This morning, a 28-year-old caller named Caleb told Peterson that he has been in a relationship with his girlfriend, who has an 8-year-old daughter who was conceived as a result of a sexual assault, and that he has been helping to raise the young girl since she was three and that she often calls him “daddy”.

Okay, that’s not so awful. In fact, that’s rather heartwarming. But then we take a hard right into Asshatville, population Jesse Lee.

Caleb wanted to know if Peterson thought it would be okay for him to marry his girlfriend, but Peterson broke his heart when he declared that he could not because this young girl needs to be in a family consisting of her natural mother and natural father, who, in this instance, is reportedly the mother’s rapist.

JFC. Why the hell should a family consist of a mother, daughter and a fucking criminal? So the guy shares DNA with the little girl; he doesn’t need to share a life with her. For extremely obvious reasons! But Jesse Lee makes everything so much worse by opening his noisehole and spewing forth vowels and consonants that string together, not to form words, but a stream of verbal diarrhea of massively idiotic proportions:

“Absolutely no,” Peterson declared. “Do not marry a woman … who already has children. It’s bad enough on kids when they don’t have both parents, it’s worse when a so-called step-parent steps in because the soul of that child—whether male or female—the soul yearns for a father, not a step-father or a step-mother. They want their natural father and natural mother, and especially their natural father. So, if this woman is a decent woman at all, she will sacrifice for her child, not for herself, but for her child and you’re going to be in the way.”

Hey, Jesse Lee? My husband would tell you to your lying ass face that no, he did not want a father. Because the one that was in the house was a festering pile of animal feces! But whaever, you’re the “expert”. And by “expert”, I mean blithering asshat. And Caleb can’t “sacrifice” for his child? Because they have differing DNA? Are you effing stupid?! Is ever adoption in America null and void because the children don’t have genetic ties to the parents?! I’d say you were acting stupid, Jesse Lee, but this shit’s definitely not an act. Damn! Also, souls are bullshit. Just saying, Jesse Lee.

“That’s heartbreaking,” replied Caleb, who then asked Peterson what he should tell this little girl to whom he has been a father figure for most of her life.

No, what’s heartbreaking is thinking you’d get any useful advice out of this assclown. If Caleb has a functional brain in his head–which I’m not exactly sure of, since he felt the need to call Jesse Lee and ask his opinion on this–he’ll figure out that this assclown is an assclown and he doesn’t need to take any advice from an assclown.

“Let her know that you are not her father and that you apologize for getting involved with her mother,” Peterson recommended. “[Tell] her not to be angry and to love her father, her real father, and don’t believe anything that anyone has to say about him, so that she can love her father and she will grow up a peaceful young lady and she will have a good life.”

You have GOT to be effing kidding me. No human being can be that willfully stupid but here I am, being proven horrifically wrong. Primus in a motherfucking planetoid, this is stupidity on a extinction level scale! Tell me why exactly she should love a raptist, especially since A) he’s a fucking rapist and B) it looks as though he hasn’t had any contact with her at all. On top of that, why in the flying hell should this little girl have any sort of relationship with a fucking rapist?! Not only is that stupid, it’s downright fucking dangerous! What could this creep do to that poor child? No, the fact that this rapist shares a genetic link with this little girl will not suddenly make him an upstanding, decent, law abiding guy or convince him to not harm his child. He’s a rapist. He doesn’t give a shit about boundaries or consent. Seriously, Jesse Lee, do you even hear yourself when you speak or do you tune in and out?! You know what kids need? They need loving parents. It literally doesn’t matter whether or not these parents are biologically related. It doesn’t matter if these parents are of the opposite sex. It doesn’t matter if these parents are of the same skin pigmentation. It matters that these parents love those children and take care of them. It’s not that damned difficult but for you, Jesse Lee, it apparently is. That small, coiled pile of excrement that’s resting in your cranium just behind your eyes can’t comprehend that. I doubt it ever will.

Or in this case, Asshat. Consider yourself highly “honored”, Jesse Lee: due to this extinction level display of asshattery, you get a nomination for my first annual Asshat of the Year awards! Asshat of the Year is exactly what it says; various asshats throughout the year will be nominated and on New Year’s Eve at 23:59, the “winner”–or more accurately, the biggest and most idiotic asshat of the bunch, which makes them the loser–will be announced. So mark your calendars: on December 31st, 2019 at 23:59, we’ll have the inauguaral Iacon East “Asshat of the Year” awards. I hope to see you there!