Saw your blog post the other day and it irritated me. I know exactly why.
So, you’re trimming your possessions down to one tub. Basically, something you can grab and throw in the back of your car. You know, if you absolutely have to move out at a moment’s notice. But you wanted a name for this “challenge”, like the one bucket challenge or the chuckit and phuckit challenge or whatever. But I’ve already got a name for this. You ready? Here goes.
It’s called “abandonment”.
You’ve done it before; back in the 1990s, remember? You got tired of staying with your then significant other and decided to move out, without telling him. You picked a day, had your sister come over with a moving van, and you both threw all your worldly possessions into the back of it, all while your significant other was at work.
He came home to an empty house and you gone. You left no note, no letter. He had no idea where you were, why you had left, and what he might have done wrong. I can’t imagine how heartbreaking that would be.
Even worse? He loved you. You said that yourself. He said he was thankful that you were in his life. He treated you like a princess. But that wasn’t enough for you, I guess.
When you told me about it, you laughed. You thought it was hilarious. You said that you wished you were a fly on the wall, so you could have seen the look on his face when he got home from work that day. You didn’t feel any guilt at all until you learned later on that he had died. It was then you finally admitted that you felt bad about it.
Now it looks like you’re planning on doing it again.
I get it: relationships are difficult. Prime and I have been together for almost twenty years. There are days when I piss him off and there are days he pisses me off. There are days when I want to punch him in the jaw and there are days he probably wants to slap me upside the head. We’ve argued. We’ve said things that neither one of us meant. We’ve both cried, sometimes in anger and sometimes in sadness. But in the end, the good far outweighs the bad. I can’t even begin to imagine my life without him. I love him. Prime is my sparkmate and my conjunx endura. I would walk through fire for him. I would lay down my life for his. He means that much to me. Hell, I did marry the man-bot, after all.
I get that you’ve fallen out of love with your ‘roomie’. Things can and do change. But does he know what you’re planning? Does he have the faintest idea that you’re planning on leaving? Or will you simply pitch your tote in the backseat of your car and just disappear? Will he come home to an empty house, like your previous lover, and will you laugh about that mental image as well?
In other words, are you simply going to break another heart, without giving a damn about what you’ve done? Are you going to say, “Fuck it” and chuck this poor guy aside?
I already know the answer. Long standing patterns and all. I just wish that I was wrong.