(email)

when we first started
our emails were friendly and nothing more.

at least
they were
to me.

we talked about things like our jobs
the shows we watched
the cartoons from our childhood.
we talked about everything and nothing.

time passed and
emails were still exchanged
but things changed.

i don’t know when it happened
when i fell in love with you.
i can’t remember the exact day that seeing
a response from you didn’t elicit a quiet smile
but a sudden eruption of giggles
a rush of happiness that was impossible
to contain.
there were goosebumps
a chill
and excitement.

then we met
face to face
and we spoke
and things changed even more.

when i left you
in minnesota
for my return to north carolina
i left a part of myself
a tangible piece that i knew i needed
in my life
behind.
i wanted you with me
beside me.
i wanted more
than friendship
with you.

i said it in that email
the hardest one i ever had to write
the one that laid me bare before you
putting everything on the line
in the hopes
that you’d understand and maybe
feel the same.

i was terrified when
i hit “send”
not knowing how you’d react
or respond.
i couldn’t be certain
that you’d feel the same
that you’d care about me
the way
i cared about you.

but i sent it anyway and i hoped
that you would read it and understand
that you would see past my fear
my lack of confidence
my inability to say how i really felt
about you.

i hoped you would see me
for who i was
and
for who i wanted to be
with you.

i loved you
but i couldn’t say it.
the fear
was too deep
and the hurt
too fresh.
i had laid myself
before another
who hadn’t cared
who had seen me as an object
something to be used and tossed away
nothing more.

i was tired of being hurt
of blaming myself
for things i couldn’t fix.
i wanted to be loved
but i feared it
feared the idea of vulnerability
and of giving myself to another.
how did i know
you wouldn’t abandon me?
how did i know
things wouldn’t be the same?
i took the risk
hoping for a reward.

twenty years.

it’s quite the reward.
and though it hasn’t been perfect
nothing ever is
it has been
good.
great.
wonderful.

from the moment i
came to wisconsin
with you
in a rental truck
to the moment
you slipped a silver band
upon my ring finger
while saying
“with this ring
i thee wed”
to this moment
as you read these scattered
muddled thoughts that i
cobbled together
life has been wonderful.

there have been clouds
somedays and
rain on others but
there is no place
i’d rather
weather the storm
than with you.

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About Silverwynde

I'm a Transformers fan, Pokémon player, Brewers fan and all-out general nerd. I rescue abandoned Golett, collect as many Bumblebee decoys and figures as I can find and I've attended every BotCon since 1999. I'm also happily married to a fellow Transfan named Prime and we were both owned by a very intelligent half-Siamese cat, who crossed the Rainbow Bridge on June 16, 2018. We miss him every day.
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