(october)

“i had sex with her.”

those were the words you used
on that night
in october
as we sat in your car
the street light turning your hair into a smudge
your freckles
invisible
your glasses
obscuring your eyes.

your head was low
you didn’t look me in the face.

instead
you stared at the steering wheel
and your hands
and your lap
and anything that wasn’t me.

the feeling was like
getting kicked in the gut.

i couldn’t breathe.

for a moment
i couldn’t speak.

my mouth was
hanging open in shock.
i was
too stunned to process
what you had just said.

when it sank in
like a lead weight
resting in the center of my chest
i found my voice
and i screamed.
i screamed at you
screamed how you lied to me
the anger
the only thing i felt.

you ducked your head.
you cried.
you apologized.
you were sorry
you said.
so very sorry.
you never meant it.
it was a mistake.

in that way
you were right.

it was a mistake.
you were the mistake.
my mistake.

i was mistaken
in thinking i could ever
trust you.

i was mistaken
in thinking i could ever
believe you.

i was mistaken
in thinking that you
could ever be faithful to me.

it was too much to ask you.

so long ago
you asked me
why people
should remain faithful to the ones they loved.
i had to explain it to you
try and make you understand.
even then
i’m not sure
that i ever reached you.

on that night
i knew
i hadn’t.

you couldn’t see my tears
or my hurt.
instead
you focused on
the anger.
to you
i was bitter.
to you
i was
“bringing up the past”
when this had happened
mere weeks before.
i was making
a big deal
out of nothing.

what was a little cheating
among friends?

you just wanted me
to sit down and shut up
and never mention it
again.
you told your friends
that we weren’t
intimate.

no
you said repeatedly
that we were
“just friends”.

just friends.

nothing more
and
so much less.

the humiliation i felt
when i had to say
otherwise
was worse than the humiliation
of hearing
those words
on that night
in october.
i had to explain myself
so many times
to anyone
who might listen.

but
you were pissed
and
defending yourself
making me
the crazy
ex-girlfriend.
it was my fault
that you cheated.
i still don’t understand it.

i had forgiven you
and said we would try to
work this out.
i thought i could give us
another chance.
there was no us to save.
i didn’t know that
at the time
but i learned it
not long after.

for so many years
i was angry at you.
the betrayal
was overwhelming.
but now
i am grateful.

the mistake you made
wasn’t a mistake.
it was a blessing
in disguise.

i had to lose
in order to gain.
i had to stumble
in order to walk.
i had to fall
in order to stand on my own.

i learned
what i didn’t want
or need
or desire
in a husband
in a friend
in a lover.

i learned
that i didn’t want a boy
but
a man.

you left me
torn and bleeding
and i pulled myself
back together
again.

all the missing pieces
that you
scattered to the winds
were found by another.

he did what you couldn’t
what you never could.

he loved me
in spite of myself
or because of it.
he found the parts
of my soul
that you had broken
and gave them back to me.
he lifted me up
when you
had dragged me down.
his arms were my shelter
his shoulders were where
i could rest my head
and not feel
alone.

he
was
is
and
will forever be
my everything.

he is what you will never be.

i had thought that i
was a fuck up
someone who could neither
find love
nor keep it.
that everything
had been my fault.

maybe it was.

it doesn’t matter.

i’ll take the blame this time
if that means
i can take some of the credit
for moving on
from the disaster
that was you.

About Silverwynde

I'm a Transformers fan, Pokémon player, Brewers fan and all-out general nerd. I rescue abandoned Golett, collect as many Bumblebee decoys and figures as I can find and I've attended every BotCon--official and non--since 1999. I'm also happily married to a fellow Transfan named Prime and we were both owned by a very intelligent half-Siamese cat, who crossed the Rainbow Bridge on June 16, 2018. We still miss him. But we're now the acting staff of a Maine Coon kitty named Lulu, who pretty much rules the house. Not that we're complaining about that.
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