“I’ve heard all I wanna hear today”

When I got to work early Wednesday, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Although the warehouse was quieter than usual, I didn’t think much of it. In the break room, there were boxes of Kleenex on the tables; that was unusual but not enough for me to wonder what might be going on.

At 14:15, one of the Front End managers popped into the break room and said I needed to clock in because I was needed. I said okay, put my things away and started work eighty five minutes early.

While I assisted on the Front End, I overheard that same manager say that there had been a lot of people calling in that day. I shrugged it off, as it’s cold and flu season and rhinovirus runs rampant through most retail establishments. Again, nothing seemed too out of the ordinary.

At 16:10 I was sent to the doors; Rhonda was leaving and I was needed. So I did the usual: I greeted the members and marked receipts. Nothing seemed off. At least, not until 17:05, when one of the supervisors saw me and asked if anyone had told me the news.

That was when it came out: one of our managers had ended his life, in our parking lot on Monday night. His significant other found him after the fact.

I’ve been running through the gamut of emotions: disbelief, impotent rage, soul crushing depression. I’ve wanted nothing more than to run outside, throw back my head and scream until my voice breaks. I’ve wanted to go back in time to Saturday, when I last saw him, and seize him by his shoulders and shake him until I can’t anymore. I want to cry uncontrollably and not stop. I want to lay in bed, pull the blankets over my head, and simply forget that Wednesday even happened. I want to howl at the sky for his significant other; every time she closes her eyes, what horrors will she see? What sort of guilt will she carry?

His life is over. Hers will never be the same.

None of this is productive, I know. But then again, grieving isn’t exactly logical, now is it? That’s what I’m doing now. Grieving. It’s never easy.

There won’t be a Weekly Reader this week. It will return next Thursday. But I have no desire to post it today. Seven Quick Takes Friday will be slightly different this time. The weekend postings will remain the same, since I could use a break from pretty much everything.

I can only close this post with the lyrics from a Phil Collins song because it’s been one of the few things that has helped keep my emotions in check:

While I sit here trying to think of things to say
Someone lies bleeding in a field somewhere
So it would seem we’ve still got a long long way to go
I’ve seen all I wanna see today

While I sit here trying to move you anyway I can
Someone’s son lies dead in a gutter somewhere
And it would seem that we’ve got a long long way to go
But I can’t take it anymore

Turn it off if you want to
Switch it off it will go away
Turn it off if you want to
Switch it off or look away

While I sit and we talk and talk and we talk some more
Someone’s loved one’s heart stops beating in a street somewhere
So it would seem we’ve still got a long long way to go, I know
I’ve heard all I wanna hear today

Turn it off if you want to (turn it off if you want to)
Switch it off it will go away (switch it off it will go away)
Turn it off if you want to (turn it off if you want to)
Switch it off or look away (switch it off or look away)

Switch it off
Turn it off

About Silverwynde

I'm a Transformers fan, Pokémon player, Brewers fan and all-out general nerd. I rescue abandoned Golett, collect as many Bumblebee decoys and figures as I can find and I've attended every BotCon--official and non--since 1999. I'm also happily married to a fellow Transfan named Prime and we were both owned by a very intelligent half-Siamese cat, who crossed the Rainbow Bridge on June 16, 2018. We still miss him. But we're now the acting staff of a Maine Coon kitty named Lulu, who pretty much rules the house. Not that we're complaining about that.
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