My phone rang at 18:30 or so; Prime was placing an online order for Taco Bell, which was such a disaster that I honestly thought I’d be blogging about that. Instead, it turns out that I’d be blogging about that phone call.
I recognized the number; it was work. Fearing that my schedule had changed and I may have inadvertently missed a shift or had to go in tomorrow, I answered. On the other end of the line was one of our managers. Her voice was calm, but what she said made my blood run cold.
There’s been a positive Covid test for one of my coworkers on the Front End. I do not have to quarantine unless I show symptoms. Tonight, the entire Front End, along with the break room, will be deep cleaned and sanitized.
Yes, I wear a mask every day. But I don’t always wear it in the break room, as I have to eat. I have no idea which coworker this may be, whether I was possibly working in close quarters with them, if we were in the break room at the same time, or anything. I don’t know who this person is and if we were working the same hours. I know that management can’t say, but I’m so damned afraid right now; knowing who it is would probably help my anxiety.
I wanted to start crying in the car. I managed to keep my voice as level as possible but Prime said he knew I was upset by the way my arm dropped after ending the call. He said it was almost bipolar.
I’m thinking it’s a force of habit. I can look calm, cool, and collected when necessary. When the need is gone, then my anxiety takes the wheel. It’s a survival mechanism that was learned years ago. Not being allowed to express my actual emotions and all. One of the many lessons learned in an abusive household; I may never unlearn it.
I’m both upset and exhausted. I want to cry but I’m too tired. I want to sleep but I’m too anxious. I’m a mental and emotional wreck right now and that’s putting it gently.
I’m thinking I want to get some more staples for my stash. Leaving the house during the winter months doesn’t appeal to me. It may not appeal to me again any time soon. At least, not until we have a vaccine.