Today, we go the opposite route: these are the holiday songs that I’m pretty sure are on a continuous loop in hell. You know the ones, the ones that make nails on a chalkboard sound pleasant in comparison.
There are quite a few here. I had to hold myself back a bit. But then again, dealing with rehell–I mean, retail–will do that too you. Also, click the links at your own risk. Just trust me on that.
–Gayla Peevey – “I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas”
Where do I even begin here? Yes, I get that it’s a novelty song, but it’s terrible. And really, who in the hell wants a dangerous animal that can possibly kill them? Hippos are freaking aggressive towards people; ten to one, the little snot singing the song would get bitten in half by the beast on Christmas morning! The only way to make this more unlikable is to have Nickelback cover the damn thing. Maybe then we’d be spared this monstrosity of a song. One could only hope.
–Train – “Joy To The World”
Record executive: “I have the greatest idea ever. We’re gonna take two different songs–one of them classic and the other modern–and we’re gonna mash ’em up together. It’ll be great!” No, it won’t be great. It’s going to suck. Seriously. This song is a mix between “Joy to the World” and “Calling All Angels”and it doesn’t work. The tempo on this is off and it just sounds bad. It also doesn’t help that this got repeated heavily at my local Wal-Mart. I don’t know who thought this was a good idea, but I think they may have hit the egg nog a bit too hard when they green lit this one.
–Elmo & Patsy – “Grandma Got Run over by a Reindeer”
Okay, I’ll admit it: back in the day, I liked this song. It was quirky and it was cute. Then it got overplayed. Adding to that was the fact Warner Brothers decided to fart out a television special based on the damn song. That’s when I was officially over it. As far as I’m concerned, this song is as dead as the grandma it mentions.
–Sheryl Crow – “Blue Christmas”
Can someone please get her an inhaler? I’m thinking she’s having an asthma attack. I love Sheryl Crow and “Blue Christmas” is a pretty decent song, so this should have worked. But it doesn’t. Oh wow, it doesn’t. Welcome to another song that Wal-Mart loved to overplay and at a very low volume, making it sound even worse than it already does. She might have been trying for “breathy” but in this, she sounds like she’s recovering from a viral lung infection. Every time I hear this song, I catch myself muttering, “Can someone tell her to stop singing before she passes out?”
–Los Del Rio – “Macarena (Christmas Remix)”
Yes, this actually happened. That’s all I’m going to say about it.
–Almost all versions – “Santa Baby”
I can only stand the Eartha Kitt version because of her voice, but even that is in very low doses. This song drives me nuts, because it’s one of the greediest ones I’ve ever heard. Basically, this is someone saying they want a lot of crap because hey, they deserve it! Ugh. How about no.
–Every version ever – “Baby It’s Cold Outside”
This song is so disgusting and creepy but there are apologists for this pile of garbage. I kid you not. “But you see, she actually wanted to be there!” is what I hear on Facebook and everywhere else. Really? She really wanted to be there when one of the damned lyrics asks what the hell is in her drink?! She’s saying “No” but it’s okay that this guy keeps trying to wear her down?! Seriously?! On the plus side, a couple rewrote the song to emphasize consent and turned it into a much better song. Can we get some nice remakes of that version, please? I’d rather hear that instead.
–“NewSong – “The Christmas Shoes”
(The link above is NSFW. Just warning you.) Okay, you’ll notice that this one lacks a link to the actual song. Instead, this is a takedown of it by Patton Oswalt. You will thank me for this, trust me. Because the song itself is awful as hell. I do not exaggerate. If you break down the lyrics to this atrocious song, it makes no damn sense and is just plainly cruel. God gives a kid’s mother cancer in order to plop the child in front of a cranky shopper at Wal-Mart so that said cranky shopper can be less cranky because Christmas. What the actual fuck? How disgusting is that? Sheesh. But it gets constant airplay at this time of year because people find it “heartwarming”. Call me the Grinch, but there is nothing heartwarming about that. At. All.
And that should do it for this half of the list. I had to stop myself; working as a cashier pretty much means you learn to hate most holiday songs. I even had to hold myself back while critiquing the music; I could have been far more vicious than this!
Here’s hoping that this is the only time I visit this list. I really don’t want to have to update it; this was painful enough as it was. Time for me to have a bourbon with some egg nog… minus the nog.