I found this on Facebook, of all places; it’s quite the read if you have time. But if you don’t want to peruse Reddit, here’s the post:
My boyfriend Jake and I have been dating for a year. He comes from a wealthy family while I don’t, and he is very particular about money. Early in our relationship he told me that we shouldn’t give each other gifts that cost over $50 and he doesn’t like dining in expensive restaurants because he says he doesn’t want our relationship to be based on material things and we should focus on saving for the future. I easily agreed because I’m not with him to be given expensive gifts or be wined and dined daily, and I thought it was a great that he wanted to save for the future.
What I didn’t expect is that he would never even ask me to have dinner in a nice restaurant. It was either fast food, a local place (we always split the bill) or for special celebrations he would cook for me himself and we’d have a meal in his apartment. There’s nothing wrong with that, but even just on special occasions, I wish we could go somewhere nice. I get that fine dining is something Jake is used to because of his family, but it’s not the norm for me so of course I’m excited to try an upscale restaurant once in a while. He tells me that they’re just overpriced and serve so little food anyway, and the only times he has agreed to go with me are the times when I told him that I would foot the bill for both of us.
I had a tough week at work last week and I really wanted to treat myself this weekend, so when I learned that an upscale restaurant I’ve wanted to try just re-opened, I thought it was a great idea to have dinner there. I’m not swimming in money right now because of unexpected expenses due to the pandemic, so I’m not that excited to be paying for two since I know that Jake wouldn’t go if he had to pay for himself much less both of us. So I asked my friend Tom, who I know also wants to try that restaurant, if he wants to have dinner there and we can go Dutch. He said yes.
When I told Jake that I was going to have dinner at that restaurant with Tom, he got angry and said I should’ve asked him. I told him that I had no reason to believe that he would have a different answer for me because I’ve asked him to eat at nice restaurants six times in the past and he always says no. The two times he has said yes were after I assured him that I would pay for both of us, and I don’t want to pay for two right now. He told me that if I think $150 is too expensive to spend at a restaurant, then why do I think that it’s alright to spend $75. He says I should just save that money anyway.
Am I the asshole?
Now, most are saying they need more information, but the general direction seems to be “not the asshole”. For obvious reasons.
This will never not be funny.
Okay, you’re going to want to take a good, long, hard look at this relationship, because if this is the standard operating procedure, you’re going to want to ask yourself if you want to stay with this guy. He’s perfectly fine spending your money. He’s perfectly fine with you spending your money on him. But he balks when it’s time for him to spend any of his money on you.
Yeah, this could be a major problem.
Let me tell you a story: in my senior year of high school, I was dating my ex. I had no job, no real allowance, and no real way to get any money of my own. So buying presents for my ex was extremely difficult.
When Valentine’s Day rolled around, my ex wanted a copy of Adventure Island 2 for his Game Boy, a silver Transformers G2 Grimlock, and the usual box of candy. I asked for a G2 Optimus Prime. That was literally all I wanted.
Now, what I wanted was around $30 (US). The ex’s wishlist was at least forty. What he wanted was more expensive but I sucked it up and dealt with it.
Don’t ask me how, but I got everything he wanted. Then came the stinger.
My ex had spent seven dollars on me: he purchased a cheap necklace from a drug store, a small box of candy that held three pieces, and a card. When he told me that no, he hadn’t gotten what I had really wanted, I was livid. I had skipped meals to save money. I had scraped coins together. I basically sacrificed to get him what he wanted, thinking he’d do something similar. After all, he had a job, had plenty of money in his checking account and paid no bills. He’d be willing to do this for me, right?
Wrong. What I wanted was too expensive and he didn’t have that kind of money. Besides, I should have been grateful for what I did get.
This happened constantly. He was willing to buy the latest SNES game but lunch was at Taco Bell and our orders were separate. Going to dinner at an actual sit down restaurant? It happened once and we were with his mother and one of her friends who quite frankly, I didn’t care for at all. To this day, I feel seriously uncomfortable at a Chinese restaurant. I’m not kidding.
I went through five years of that. He found reasons to open his wallet if it benefited him but he wouldn’t if it was for me. New games, action figures and the like for thee, but not me. I’m not kidding.
This will be your life. It will not be fun. Your SO will grind you down, make you feel guilty for actually having a good time with money he feels should have been spent on him, and he’ll make so many excuses as to why it’s a terrible idea to spend HIS money.
Doesn’t sound fun, does it? Because it’s not. Trust me, it’s absolutely not.
You can try talking to him about it, but I seriously doubt that anything will change. So it’s probably best for you to really think about this relationship. Is this a minor thing? Can you deal with it? Or is this just part of some other problems that are bothering you? In other words: Is this a deal breaker?
Now, in my case, it wasn’t just the fact that my ex was cheap. There were a lot of other things, culminating in him cheating on me. But it was a problem. It’s also one of the reasons why I’m glad we’re not together anymore. So you might want to do yourself a favor and take a break from this guy. Give yourself some time and space to clear your head, then see how things go. In the meantime, I wouldn’t open my wallet for this guy. I think he can take care of himself, if you know what I mean.