“Let me apologize for what I’m about to say”

By now, you’ve heard the news: Linkin Park frontman and singer Chester Bennington has died. The death is being investigated as a possible suicide. When the news broke yesterday, one of my coworkers said glumly, “There goes my childhood.” He, being in his twenties, grew up on Linkin Park. I did not.

The band came to my attention back in 2007, when their single “What I’ve Done” became the main theme of the live action Transformers movie. Up until that point, I had only heard a few of their songs and what little I had heard, I enjoyed. Hearing them on the soundtrack of Transformers was a bit of a gateway; through this exposure, I was able to enjoy their past albums.

Then came 2010 and the upheaval that changed everything. It was during that time that the music of Linkin Park took on a different meaning.

On my worst days, on some of my lowest moments, angry and rage filled, asking empty questions of myself and wondering why my mother couldn’t tell me the truth, I would listen to Numb. While the entirety of the song resonated with me, it was the second verse that hit me with impact.

Can’t you see that you’re smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control

Those words could have been pulled out of a diary I had written or a journal I kept when I was younger. It summed up perfectly the relationship I’d had with my mother.

On my worst days, I found myself half-screaming those lyrics, shouting at the demons that weren’t in the room, shrieking at someone who wasn’t there, couldn’t hear and wouldn’t have admitted quilt in the first place. I was acting like an angsty teenager–something I wasn’t allowed to do fifteen plus years before–and the lyrics to that song was one of the few ways I could describe how I felt in those moments. There I was, screaming at the walls of my den, shouting about how I had been so sheltered because of the trauma my mother had suffered. It was a catharsis of sorts and one of the few ways I was able to keep my head about me during that period of my life.

It sounds cliché but that song saved my life, to a degree. It helped me cope. It gave me a way of finding my voice when I wasn’t sure what the hell I really had to say. It said all the things I couldn’t.

I can’t thank Linkin Park enough. Their music got me through some of the darkest times in my life. I wish that in some small way, I could have possibly helped Chester Bennington through his. All I can say now is that he will be deeply missed.

Posted in Grief, Music | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

I Got Nothing

Now, I’m going to be the first to admit that I’ve never heard of this guy. But it seems he’s kind of infamous. You see, he tried to sue Apple for not stopping his access to the porn that ruined his marriage. If that’s not crazy enough, he tried to marry his laptop. Well, if that’s not enough for you, he’s now suing House Democrats over Pride flags outside of their offices. Because apparently, homosexuality is a religion.

YEAH. There is no way in hell THAT could backfire.

Okay, I am getting myself a Pride flag and hanging outside my house. Then I can claim that I live in a house of worship and get tax exempt status. Because why the fuck not?


Well, since I have this well known religious symbol on my blog, I guess I’m now qualified to give marital advice and I can run a daycare, no questions asked, along with all the other perks of being a religion.

Like I said, there is just no way that this can backfire at all. 🙄

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Wake Me Up When September Ends…

It’s looking more and more likely that HasCon will happen for us. I guess I’m happy/relieved about that.

Or am I?

I’m being honest here: there’s a convention and I’m not entirely sure that I want to go. That bothers me. I can’t justify staying the entire weekend. Sunday will pretty much be a bust; I may just head to the local mall and spend time there, if Prime and I don’t plan on leaving early, that is. This is the first time I’ve felt so ambivalent about a convention.

I don’t like it. I really don’t. I’m already looking into unpacking my suitcase and taking shirts out because I wan’t need that many. I might need four at the most. Again, that bothers me. I can’t quite explain as to why but it bothers me.

What if Hasbro held a convention and no one came? That question pops around my head. I don’t have any good answers. They will come in time.

The thing is, I’m not sure if it’s the wait that’s bothering me or something else entirely.

Posted in And Now For Something Completely Different | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Play Along!

If you want to keep score of the things you see in comment threads regarding the Thirteenth Doctor, here’s a good place to start. Have fun!

(And for those of you wondering: Wonder Man is real but he’s Marvel and not DC. So we might actually get us a Wonder Man movie sometime in the future.)

Posted in And Now For Something Completely Different, Nerd | Tagged | 1 Comment

An Open Letter: To Prime

BLOG Open Letter
Dear Prime,

It was eighteen years ago that I stepped on board an airplane for the first time since I was two, in order to make my way to Minnesota. I was going to BotCon. I was also going to meet you.

I was terrified, to put it mildly. I didn’t know what to expect. Just like I didn’t know what to expect when I got to the convention center, just like I didn’t know what to expect when I walked into the dealer room, which was far larger than anything I had ever seen in my life.

Sheltered? Yes, definitely. I wasn’t the type to ever take risks but there I was. I was willing to do something that had me questioning myself. You know now that I’m not the type to do this sort of thing.

It was hard to spot you, at first. There were more people in that one room than I had met in the entirety of my life at that point. But that description you sent helped: I looked for the purple and silver cap. That was the giveaway. So I crossed the room, in order to get to you, to finally meet you.

You were impossibly tall and your voice was deep enough to be intimidating. I couldn’t see your eyes; they were hidden behind sunglasses. I knew were looking at me but I wasn’t sure as to how. Curiosity? Irritation? It was hard to tell. I introduced myself. There was a brief silence. Then you smiled.

That’s something I will never forget for as long as I live: your smile. I felt my heart flutter when you smiled, so warm and inviting.

It was that smile that put me at ease. It still does, even now.

I remember wandering the dealer room with you. I remember looking through the comics with you. I remember the big, goofy grin I got on my face when I looked at you. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that feeling, that happiness I felt when we were together that day.

I know; scratching your back was a little odd. But taking your hand at that point? I wasn’t sure how you’d take that. I didn’t want to rush this. Things between us felt easy enough; I didn’t want to risk losing something so special before it had really gotten started.

Because you were special. You are special. You always will be special to me.

Yes, it took me a day or so to pluck up the courage to say that I loved you. I wish I had the guts to do it while I was there. But again, I didn’t want to lose you before our journey started.

You might wonder if I’d do it all again. If things were different, if I could go back in time and relive it all, would I?

Yes. In a heartbeat. I would do it all over again. I’d do it all over again for eternity. Because I love you. I will always love you, even when I’m crabby and complaining. Even then–especially then–I love you.

And I wouldn’t change a thing. I hope you feel the same way.

Your insane but loving wife,


Posted in An Open Letter, Family Matters, Life in General, Transformers | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

An Open Letter: To Certain Whovians

BLOG Open Letter
Dear Whovians (you know Who you are),

Yes, we get it: the Thirteenth Doctor will be a woman and to you guys, that shouldn’t be A Thing That Exists. We get it, your world is changing and you don’t like it. But here’s the thing, it isn’t really your world that is changing. Why? Because you don’t own that world.

Let me go ahead and make things clear: that world, the world of Doctor Who, is owned by the people who created it. This is their little fictional universe and they can do whatever they wish with it. I’m not the only one who realizes this.

Let’s remind people that the Good Doctor is a fictional character whose rights is owned by the BBC and their writers. It’s their money and they can write about whomsoever they want in whatever way they want. If people don’t like the choice, then the viewership will drop and they can react in whatever way they want. This is really a great thing insofar as it breaks down barriers that still exist. Strong female characters are necessary to see for children.

Let’s remember that the Time Lord is an alien and there is only the precedence of what the writers have already decided of him. There is no prescription here. They can do what they want.

Now, we’re going to pause and let that sink in for a little bit. Yes, you may love the hell out of this character, but you do not own the character. That is not your character. Unless you were there, during the character’s creation, you do not have any claim of ownership to Doctor Who at all. You are allowed to play around in that universe, in that wonderful world but you cannot bend it to your will. Because it’s not yours to bend. You need to realize that.

Now, I get it. You guys are fans. Change is a terrifying thing. I went through my own sort of “fan anxiety” back in 2005 and 2006. I heard so many rumors about what may or may not be happening. I heard so much that worried me. The rumors about Bumblebee being mute? You have no idea how badly that bothered me. I’ve had a crush on Bumblebee since I was a young girl; the idea of him being voiceless didn’t sit well with me.

But here’s the thing: no matter how I felt about it, it literally did not matter. I don’t own Bumblebee. I may love him dearly, but he is not mine. What happens to him is in the hands of the writers. I have absolutely no say in this. I know that. I have accepted that. It would be best if you do the same.

Let’s be honest here. You guys are fans. That’s pretty much it. The casting of the Thirteenth Doctor is a shock for you but you have no control over this. This decision is out of your hands. Hell, it was never in your hands to begin with, really. You are simply a fan. You are not one of the many writers on the show. You are not one of the people who came up with the character. You have no claim of copyright. You cannot claim that the Good Doctor is your own personal intellectual property. You are simply a fan of the show. You need to remember that.

Now, I’m not here to convince you to watch the show. If the fact that the newest Doctor is female is enough for you to drop the show, I’m forced to wonder just how hardcore a fan you truly were. You haven’t even seen the first episode, you haven’t given Jodie Whittaker a chance. I’ll be blunt; it wasn’t easy for me to adjust to Matt Smith but I did. Give the Thirteenth Doctor a chance. You might be pleasantly surprised. But if you don’t, it won’t break my heart.

Yours truly,


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Sunday Morning Nostalgia Crush!

The opening and closing to All In The Family. I can remember seeing some of this as a young kid; it seemed “Meathead” became one of my favorite phrases. Don’t ask.

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